How to Navigate "I'm Sorry" Syndrome
The Curse of the Apologetic Colleague
We all know that one person.
The coworker who apologizes for everything from the office temperature to a rogue email typo.
While a sincere apology has its place, chronic over-apologizing can have unforeseen consequences in the workplace.
I’ve been perplexed by this behavior for a while, and with the help of some neuroscience and a healthy dose of humor, I’m ready to crack the case of “I’m Sorry” Syndrome.
The Apology Addiction: A Quick Neuroscience Primer
It turns out there’s some fascinating brain science behind the compulsion to apologize. When we feel we’ve done something wrong, areas of the brain associated with empathy and guilt light up. At the same time, apologizing triggers a reward center in our brains, releasing a little hit of dopamine (the feel-good chemical). So, apologizing becomes less about true remorse and more about a quick fix to ease social discomfort.
Of course, this isn’t always a conscious choice. For some, the “I’m sorry” reflex is deeply ingrained. Perhaps they experienced overly critical environments growing up, or they struggle with deep-seated insecurities. Regardless of the origin, chronic apologizing has an impact in the office.
The Workplace Woes
Let’s explore some of the ways perpetual apologies undermine workplace efficiency and your sanity:
The Dilution Effect: When everything gets an “I’m sorry,” genuine apologies lose their power. It’s the workplace equivalent of crying wolf. If a colleague apologizes for missing a minor deadline but also uses the same phrase for a major client blunder, the word “sorry” starts to lose its meaning.
The Undermining Effect: Incessant apologies can erode perceptions of confidence and competence. If you preface every presentation with “I’m sorry if this is bad…”, even stellar work will be subconsciously discounted. The apology telegraphs a lack of self-assurance to your audience.
The Responsibility Shuffle: Constant “I’m sorrys” can lead to blurred boundaries. Did your colleague actually make a mistake, or are they just taking the blame for a collective mishap? If you start apologizing for things outside of your control, you risk becoming the go-to fall person.
The Time Suck: Let’s face it, an overabundance of apologies is a colossal time waster. Instead of addressing a problem directly, you’re stuck in this verbal loop. “I’m so sorry…” “It’s okay, really…” “No, I feel terrible…” All this takes away from actually getting things done.
The Antidote: Managing the Apologetic Colleague (Without Losing Your Mind)
So, how can you support an apology-prone coworker without letting the situation derail your own workday? Here are a few strategies:
The Reframe: Instead of reflexively saying, “It’s fine,” try gently reframing their apologies. Try: “Thanks for letting me know” or “Let’s focus on finding a solution.” This acknowledges their concern without getting drawn into the apology vortex.
The Specificity Request: When apologies become vague and excessive, ask for clarification. “I’m not quite clear — what specifically are you apologizing for?” This forces them to pinpoint the supposed error, making them more mindful of their words.
The Boundary Setter: If you find yourself taking the fall for their “I’m sorrys,” it’s time for a frank conversation. Emphasize collaboration and shared responsibility. Something like, “We’re a team; let’s work together to tackle this,” can subtly shift the dynamic.
The Confidence Booster: Notice when your colleague does something well and offer specific praise. This positive reinforcement helps them develop a self-image that isn’t dependent on apologizing for their mere existence.
The Redirection: When you see that familiar “I’m sorry…” preamble, gently redirect their focus to the solution. Say something like, “No worries! How about we brainstorm fixes instead?”
A Note on Sensitivity
While dealing with chronic apologizers is indeed a workplace challenge, it’s essential to approach the issue with empathy. Sometimes, an overabundance of “sorrys” masks a deep-seated anxiety. In these cases, a little kindness and encouragement can go a long way. However, don’t let sensitivity prevent you from setting necessary boundaries for your own work and sanity.
Thanks Magdelena 🙏
I had never thought about the 'I'm sorry' syndrome from a neuroscience point of view - so Interesting!
I am guilty - but for me, it's cultural (or at least partly :-) In South Africa everyone says it all the time. I never really noticed till emigrating to 🇨🇦
My colleagues used to make fun of me in my first Canadian job, as I would apologize to the garbage can, if I inadvertently bumped into it 😂
Even my kids remark on my compulsion to say 'sorry'. Your article is a great explanation - thanks 😊
This is very helpful, Magdalena. At work, home, and in the community, I struggle as the Apologetic Person.