The Overbearing Octopus of Achievement

The hidden dangers of having high agency

Photo by Beth Macdonald on Unsplash

It's confession time. I'm a high-agency individual.

A card-carrying, take-no-prisoners, "I'll-make-it-happen" kind of gal.

And for the most part, it's been a wild, fulfilling ride.

I have successfully launched businesses, climbed mountains, and generally embraced life with lots of enthusiasm.

But here's the thing they don't tell you in those self-help seminars: high agency has a dark side.

A shadowy underbelly where ambition can morph into obsession and the relentless pursuit of goals can leave you feeling like a hamster on a high-flying, diamond-encrusted wheel – going nowhere fast.

The Science of "Always On"

Let's get a bit science-y for a moment. See, this whole "agency" thing is rooted in some pretty fascinating neurobiology. The prefrontal cortex, the brain's control center, intricately interacts with the limbic system, the emotional hub. High-agency individuals, such as myself, typically possess a supercharged prefrontal cortex, enabling us to plan, strategize, and execute with the precision of a brain surgeon, who, ironically, likely exhibits even more prefrontal cortex activity.

This neurological wiring is usually a good thing. It's what fuels our drive, resilience, and that "can-do" spirit that makes us the envy of our low-agency counterparts (who are probably napping peacefully as we speak). But it can also be a double-edged sword.

For one thing, it can make it hard to switch off. Ever tried telling a hyperactive pet to chill out? It's like that. My brain is constantly buzzing with ideas, plans, and to-do lists that stretch longer than a CVS receipt. Even when I'm supposed to be relaxing, I'm mentally drafting emails, brainstorming projects, or calculating the optimal route for my next grocery run (efficiency is key, people!).

This constant "on" state can lead to burnout, a term psychologists use to describe a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged or excessive stress. Think of it as your brain hitting the "snooze" button indefinitely. And trust me, it's not pretty.

The Illusion of Control

Another sneaky side effect of high agency is the illusion of control. We high-agency folks tend to have an internal locus of control, meaning we believe we have a significant influence over events in our lives. This is generally a positive trait, linked to things like higher achievement and better mental health. But taken to the extreme, it can lead to a sense of responsibility that borders on the delusional.

For instance, I once harbored the belief that I could solve global hunger, cure cancer, and pen the next Great American Novel—all before breakfast. Needless to say, this led to a few (okay, many) face-plants with reality.

Like the time I decided to self-publish a novel. I poured my heart and soul into that book, spending countless hours writing, editing, designing the cover, and marketing it on social media. I was convinced it would be a bestseller. I mean, I loved it, my mom loved it, and my best friend loved it. I had this unshakeable belief that if I just worked hard enough, success was inevitable.

But reality had other plans. Despite my best efforts, the book landed with a thud. Reviews were lukewarm, sales were dismal, and I was left with a bruised ego. The experience was a harsh reminder that while I could control my effort, I couldn't control the market, the readers, or the whims of fate. It was a painful lesson in humility and a wake-up call to the limitations of even the most determined individual.

The problem is that while we can control our actions, we can't control the outcomes. And when things don't go according to plan (which, let's face it, is often the case), we high-agency types can take it pretty hard. It's like a tiny gremlin in our brain whispering, "You should have done more, tried harder, been better."

Relentless self-criticism can be a significant source of anxiety and depression. It's like having a personal drill sergeant in your head, constantly berating you for not doing enough push-ups.

The Overbearing Octopus of Achievement

Now, let's talk about relationships. High agency can be a real asset in this department. We're proactive communicators, problem-solvers, and generally good at taking initiative (read: planning amazing dates). But our "go-getter" attitude can also rub people the wrong way.

Imagine an octopus, its tentacles of ambition reaching into every corner of your life and those around you. That's what it can feel like to be on the receiving end of unchecked high agency. We can become so focused on our goals that we bulldoze over others' needs and opinions, leaving a trail of resentment in our wake.

I've been guilty of this myself. In my quest for efficiency (that word again!), I've been known to schedule social events with the precision of a military operation, leaving little room for spontaneity or, you know, actual human connection. It's like I'm trying to optimize fun, which, ironically, makes it a lot less fun.

This overbearing tendency can also make it difficult to receive feedback. We high-agency folks can be a bit, shall we say, resistant to criticism. It's like someone is trying to poke holes in our carefully constructed Jenga tower of achievement, and we're not having it. This can hinder our growth and make us come across as, well, kind of jerks.

Finding the Sweet Spot of Agency

So, what's the solution? Should we all just embrace our inner couch potato and give up on our dreams? Of course not! High agency is an incredible asset, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The key is finding the sweet spot of agency. It's about channeling our drive and ambition in a way that's both productive and sustainable. It's about learning to balance our "go-getter" attitude with self-compassion, empathy, and the occasional MasterClass binge.

Here are a few things I've learned along the way:

Embrace the power of "no": Saying no to things that don't align with your goals is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of self-respect. Plus, it frees up time for those aforementioned MasterClass binges.

Schedule downtime: Yes, I'm serious. Put it in your calendar, set reminders, and treat it like the important meeting it is. Your brain will thank you. For a long time, I resisted this. "Downtime?" I scoffed. "That's for amateurs!" But then came the Great Crash of 2023 (not the stock market, my nervous system). I was working tirelessly, managing numerous projects, and maintaining a level of caffeine that would make a hummingbird nervous.

Something had to give. So, I took a deep breath and scheduled a whole weekend with absolutely nothing planned. No work, no errands, no social obligations. Just me, a stack of books, and an obscene amount of herbal tea.

It felt weird at first, like I was playing hooky from my own life. But slowly, the tension started to melt away. I rediscovered the joy of doing absolutely nothing, of letting my mind wander without a destination. By the end of the weekend, I felt like a new person – calmer, more focused, and surprisingly energized. It was a powerful reminder that sometimes, the most productive thing you can do is nothing at all.

Practice active listening: This means truly hearing what others have to say, without interrupting or planning your next brilliant retort. It's harder than it sounds, but it's worth it.

Cultivate a growth mindset: This means embracing challenges as opportunities for learning and growth rather than seeing them as threats to your ego. It also means accepting feedback with grace and humility.

Ultimately, the journey of high agency is about finding balance. It's about harnessing our inner drive while also recognizing our limitations. It's about striving for excellence without sacrificing our well-being or the relationships that matter most. And if we can learn to do all that while maintaining a sense of humor, well, that's just icing on the cake.

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