Why Trying Too Hard Kills My Joy (and Probably Yours Too)

The art of "Efforting"

Made in Canva by the author

The other day, I was staring at my to-do list, a monstrous testament to my overachieving ambitions. "Write a groundbreaking novel, learn Mandarin, and bake the perfect sourdough – all before lunch," it seemed to scream.

A wave of nausea washed over me. This wasn't a to-do list, it was a recipe for burnout.

I'm a master of "efforting," a self-proclaimed expert in the art of forcing myself to meet self-imposed deadlines fueled by wildly unrealistic expectations.

It's a talent, really, this ability to suck the joy out of any activity by turning it into a high-stakes pressure cooker.

And while society tends to reward this kind of relentless striving, I'm starting to realize that "efforting" is actually killing my creativity, my flow, and quite frankly, my will to live.

The Science of Sucking the Fun Out of Everything

Turns out, there's a scientific reason why my "efforting" strategy backfires so spectacularly. When we're constantly pushing ourselves beyond our limits, our brains get flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone. Now, a little cortisol can be helpful – it's what gets us out of bed in the morning (or, in my case, jolts me awake at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat, panicking about that unfinished novel). But chronic stress, the kind that comes from perpetually "efforting," throws our whole system out of whack.

According to a Harvard Business Review article, chronic stress impairs our cognitive function, making it harder to focus, learn, and make decisions. It also zaps our creativity and makes us more prone to negative thinking. So basically, by trying so hard to be productive, I'm actually making myself less productive. Irony, thy name is "efforting."

Flow State: The Elusive Unicorn of Effortless Productivity

On the other hand, there is a magical state known as "flow," which psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined. Flow is that feeling of being completely absorbed in an activity, where time seems to melt away and you're firing on all cylinders. It's when I write a killer blog post in one sitting, or lose myself in a painting for hours, or even just have a truly engaging conversation with a friend.

Flow is the antithesis of "efforting." It's about effortless action, where skill and challenge are perfectly balanced. But here's the kicker: you can't force flow. It's like a skittish wild animal – the more you chase it, the further it runs away. The key, it seems, is to create the conditions for flow to arise naturally, by cultivating intrinsic motivation, setting realistic goals, and, dare I say it, relaxing a little.

The Joy Thief: How "Efforting" Steals My Happiness

It's not just my productivity that suffers when I'm in "efforting" mode. My joy takes a nosedive too. Everything becomes a chore, a means to an end. I find myself constantly evaluating my performance, comparing myself to others, and feeling like I'm never quite good enough.

This relentless self-criticism is exhausting. It sucks the fun out of hobbies, turns passions into obligations, and makes it hard to appreciate the present moment. Instead of savoring a delicious meal, I'm calculating its nutritional value. Instead of enjoying a walk in nature, I'm berating myself for not running a marathon. It's a vicious cycle of striving and dissatisfaction.

The "Efforting" Epidemic: Why We're All So Stressed Out

I'm not alone in my "efforting" struggles. We live in a culture that glorifies busyness and productivity. We're bombarded with messages telling us to hustle harder, do more, be better. Social media feeds are filled with curated images of perfect lives and effortless achievements, making us feel inadequate in comparison.

This constant pressure to perform takes a toll. Stress and anxiety levels are on the rise, with work and money being the top sources of worry. We're burning ourselves out in the pursuit of an elusive ideal, sacrificing our well-being in the process.

The Antidote to "Efforting": Embracing Imperfection and Finding Flow

So, how do we break free from the tyranny of "efforting"? It's an adventure, but here are a few things I'm learning:

• Challenge my unrealistic expectations: I'm starting to question those self-imposed deadlines and ask myself, "Who am I trying to impress?" Most of the time, the answer is "myself," which is ridiculous.

• Embrace imperfection: Perfection is a myth, a siren song that lures us onto the rocks of self-doubt. It's time to embrace the messy, imperfect reality of being human.

• Cultivate self-compassion: Instead of beating myself up for every perceived failure, I'm trying to treat myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer a friend.

• Focus on the process, not the outcome: This is a tough one for a goal-oriented person like me, but I'm learning to find joy in the journey, even if I don't always reach the destination I had in mind.

• Prioritize activities that bring me joy: This might seem obvious, but when was the last time you did something purely for the fun of it? I'm making a conscious effort to carve out time for activities that make me feel alive, whether it's painting, hiking, or just spending time with loved ones.

It's not easy to unlearn years of ingrained habits, but I'm determined to dump the "efforting" and embrace a more joyful, fulfilling way of living. After all, what's the point of achieving all those ambitious goals if I'm too stressed out and miserable to enjoy them?

Redefining Success: From "Doing" to "Being"

One of the biggest hurdles in my quest to overcome "efforting" is redefining what success means to me. For so long, I've measured my worth by external achievements—the promotions, the accolades, the perfectly organized pantry. But this definition of success is a moving target, always just out of reach.

Instead, I'm trying to cultivate a sense of "being" rather than "doing." This means focusing on my inner state, on cultivating qualities like presence, gratitude, and compassion. It means finding joy in the everyday moments, appreciating the beauty around me, and connecting with the people I love. This shift in perspective is subtle but powerful. It's allowing me to find a sense of contentment and fulfillment that doesn't depend on external validation.

The Power of Play: Rediscovering My Inner Child

Remember when we were kids and play was just...play? There were no deadlines, no performance evaluations, and no pressure to produce anything other than a good time. Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with that playful spirit. Everything became serious, goal-oriented, and frankly, a bit boring.

I'm rediscovering the power of play. It's about letting go of expectations, embracing spontaneity, and allowing myself to be silly and creative without judgment. Whether it's dancing in the kitchen, building a pillow fort, or having a water balloon fight with my neighbors, I'm finding that play is a powerful antidote to "efforting." It reminds me that life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured.

The Art of Saying "No": Setting Boundaries and Protecting My Energy

One of the most liberating aspects of ditching the "efforting" mindset is learning to say "no." For years, I was a chronic people-pleaser, saying "yes" to every request, every obligation, and every opportunity. But this constant overcommitment left me feeling depleted and resentful.

Now, I'm more discerning with my time and energy. I'm learning to prioritize activities that align with my values and bring me joy and politely declining those that don't. It's not always easy, but setting boundaries is essential for protecting my well-being and creating space for the things that truly matter.

The "Efforting" Hangover: Dealing with the Aftermath of Overexertion

Even as I'm making progress in my journey away from "efforting," there are days when the old habits creep back in. I find myself caught in a whirlwind of activity, pushing myself to the limit, and feeling that familiar sense of overwhelm.

When this happens, it's important to recognize the signs of an "efforting" hangover – the exhaustion, the irritability, the inability to focus. Instead of berating myself for falling back into old patterns, I'm learning to practice self-compassion. I take a break, engage in some restorative activities, and remind myself that it's okay to slow down and recharge.

The Joy of Effortless Action: Finding Flow in the Everyday

Ultimately, the goal is not to eliminate effort altogether, but to find a balance between challenge and skill, where action feels effortless and joyful. This is the essence of flow. It's about finding that sweet spot where I'm fully engaged in the present moment, using my skills to their fullest potential, and experiencing a sense of effortless creativity.

Flow doesn't just happen in grand, life-altering moments. It can be found in the everyday – in a conversation with a friend, in a walk in the park, in the simple act of preparing a meal. The key is to cultivate a sense of mindfulness, to be present in the moment, and to approach each activity with a sense of curiosity and openness.

The "Efforting" Antidote: A Recipe for Joyful Living

My adventure from "efforting" to effortless action: it's an ongoing process, a constant dance between striving and surrender. But by challenging my unrealistic expectations, embracing imperfection, cultivating self-compassion, and prioritizing joy, I'm learning to live a more fulfilling and authentic life.

And if you're feeling the weight of your own "efforting" tendencies, know that you're not alone. We're all in this together, learning to navigate the pressures of modern life and find our own unique paths to joy and fulfillment. So, let's dump the "efforting" and embrace the effortless – one joyful moment at a time.