I may have missed it - so apologize in advance - for me not asking for help, something I have been thinking a lot lately - may come from not having actually people to ask for help when I was growing up, not having a strong family support, and maybe a consequence or not, ended up with a fear of being rejected. Between not asking and bearing it on my own or being “humiliated by rejection” the first one looks more manageable. Anyways in a deep vacation mode so I’ll think about it later. Thank you!
Dear Marjana: thank you for your honest and authentic share! And yes, not having anyone to ask for help is a huge part of the idea of "I hate asking" and as you said it does tie to fear of being rejected! you are spot on! Enjoy your vacation mode and I'm curious what will surface for you later...Cheers, M
I grew up seeing and learning that being strong and independent was the ultimate. I never saw my mom or dad ask for help or even accept help. That's a tough one to break.
The comments blowing up because a lot of us are wired this way. 😂 Recently I've stepped into more leadership roles and this was the realization I had - asking for help doesn't come naturally at all to me, and hence delegation feels like a cop out. The more I've been able to consciously delegate, the more I've been able to learn to ask for help in my personal life too. Thanks for sharing your story honestly.
Dear Madhuri: thank you for sharing your story and your aha moment! It truly resonates with me! I love this approach: "consciously delegate, the more I've been able to learn to ask for help in my personal life too." - that's very powerful and yet very practical!
The idea of always being the person who helps so nobody gets to see what you need is such a quiet kind of self-protection. I think that’s why it can go unnoticed for so long. Everyone around you just sees someone generous and capable, while you get very good at never being on the other side of that exchange.
Dear Pramjali: I love this distinction: self-protection - and you are so right that is one of the reasons why it goes unnoticed for so long. Thank you for this reframe! Love it
Oh yes that is so me. Always available and willing, never asking. Until I was in my 60s and in a position where both my husband and I was really out of commission for a few weeks and I just had to ask. And the world did not end because of it 😂.
Only 'negative' about that was that one quickly learns the difference between the talkers and the doers. The talkers were all 'just say if you need anything ' and then disappeared, the doers were just always there.
Dear Petro: I love how you say: I've asked and the world did not end - that's so true! I think that it takes so much courage to do the first ask and then once we do and build that muscle of asking it gets easier! Cheers to asking! M
Ooh, Magdalena, how this resonated, kind of. Your words: "The thirty-year-old who left corporate life for the first time wrote it, and I have been taking orders from her ever since." In my corporate life - always climbing that ladder to reach the glass ceiling- I had no women to ask. I was always on the higher rung. Asking a man would usually be ineffective and would actually lower me one rung. Except for 2 or 3 male mentors I was fortunate enough to have in my life, they could only talk about what worked for them. When I left for Mexico 30 years ago (age 51), who could I ask? All on my own. ALL MY LIFE! Really, in HP, women were sent to me to find out how it works. How I did it. And I spent my first decade here in Mexico helping new expats. Even those who were thinking about it. But then... along came Substack. And for the first time, I see so many women and men there who got there before me and are willing to share their expertise. So this is the first time I don't feel like I have to do it alone. THANK YOU to the readers and writers here who have helped me. And now, I'm actually being asked to give back, which gives me more joy than at any time in my life. Magdalena, this article really spoke to me. Hugs, Blue💙
Dearest Blue: thank you so much for this heartfelt note - it made me cry! the good type of tears of being touched, moved and inspired! I'm so happy to read that :"So this is the first time I don't feel like I have to do it alone. THANK YOU to the readers and writers here who have helped me. And now, I'm actually being asked to give back, which gives me more joy than at any time in my life" - this is so beautiful! Just melted my heart! Hugs, M
The “generous” file was such a great example. You didn’t doubt that your colleague meant what he said. You just explained his words through his generosity, which meant you didn’t have to take them in as evidence about yourself. I think doubt can work like that too. We don’t always reject the evidence. We find a reason why it doesn’t really count.
Dear Sara: you are so right - we/I are so good at finding "reasons" why it does not count/matter...And continue on collecting the "evidence" - which connects with doubt - like you said. Here is cheers, to re-writing and re-programming this! M
Love this! Thank you!
Dear Beth: I'm so glad that it resonated with you!
I may have missed it - so apologize in advance - for me not asking for help, something I have been thinking a lot lately - may come from not having actually people to ask for help when I was growing up, not having a strong family support, and maybe a consequence or not, ended up with a fear of being rejected. Between not asking and bearing it on my own or being “humiliated by rejection” the first one looks more manageable. Anyways in a deep vacation mode so I’ll think about it later. Thank you!
Dear Marjana: thank you for your honest and authentic share! And yes, not having anyone to ask for help is a huge part of the idea of "I hate asking" and as you said it does tie to fear of being rejected! you are spot on! Enjoy your vacation mode and I'm curious what will surface for you later...Cheers, M
I grew up seeing and learning that being strong and independent was the ultimate. I never saw my mom or dad ask for help or even accept help. That's a tough one to break.
You bring a great point - it is really tough to break! when seeing our loved ones not being able to model that for us....
The comments blowing up because a lot of us are wired this way. 😂 Recently I've stepped into more leadership roles and this was the realization I had - asking for help doesn't come naturally at all to me, and hence delegation feels like a cop out. The more I've been able to consciously delegate, the more I've been able to learn to ask for help in my personal life too. Thanks for sharing your story honestly.
Dear Madhuri: thank you for sharing your story and your aha moment! It truly resonates with me! I love this approach: "consciously delegate, the more I've been able to learn to ask for help in my personal life too." - that's very powerful and yet very practical!
The idea of always being the person who helps so nobody gets to see what you need is such a quiet kind of self-protection. I think that’s why it can go unnoticed for so long. Everyone around you just sees someone generous and capable, while you get very good at never being on the other side of that exchange.
Dear Pramjali: I love this distinction: self-protection - and you are so right that is one of the reasons why it goes unnoticed for so long. Thank you for this reframe! Love it
Oh yes that is so me. Always available and willing, never asking. Until I was in my 60s and in a position where both my husband and I was really out of commission for a few weeks and I just had to ask. And the world did not end because of it 😂.
Only 'negative' about that was that one quickly learns the difference between the talkers and the doers. The talkers were all 'just say if you need anything ' and then disappeared, the doers were just always there.
Dear Petro: I love how you say: I've asked and the world did not end - that's so true! I think that it takes so much courage to do the first ask and then once we do and build that muscle of asking it gets easier! Cheers to asking! M
Ooh, Magdalena, how this resonated, kind of. Your words: "The thirty-year-old who left corporate life for the first time wrote it, and I have been taking orders from her ever since." In my corporate life - always climbing that ladder to reach the glass ceiling- I had no women to ask. I was always on the higher rung. Asking a man would usually be ineffective and would actually lower me one rung. Except for 2 or 3 male mentors I was fortunate enough to have in my life, they could only talk about what worked for them. When I left for Mexico 30 years ago (age 51), who could I ask? All on my own. ALL MY LIFE! Really, in HP, women were sent to me to find out how it works. How I did it. And I spent my first decade here in Mexico helping new expats. Even those who were thinking about it. But then... along came Substack. And for the first time, I see so many women and men there who got there before me and are willing to share their expertise. So this is the first time I don't feel like I have to do it alone. THANK YOU to the readers and writers here who have helped me. And now, I'm actually being asked to give back, which gives me more joy than at any time in my life. Magdalena, this article really spoke to me. Hugs, Blue💙
Dearest Blue: thank you so much for this heartfelt note - it made me cry! the good type of tears of being touched, moved and inspired! I'm so happy to read that :"So this is the first time I don't feel like I have to do it alone. THANK YOU to the readers and writers here who have helped me. And now, I'm actually being asked to give back, which gives me more joy than at any time in my life" - this is so beautiful! Just melted my heart! Hugs, M
And thank you, Melanie for letting me know that something I wrote resonated with you enough to bring tears. That means the world to me. Hugs, Blue💙
The “generous” file was such a great example. You didn’t doubt that your colleague meant what he said. You just explained his words through his generosity, which meant you didn’t have to take them in as evidence about yourself. I think doubt can work like that too. We don’t always reject the evidence. We find a reason why it doesn’t really count.
Dear Sara: you are so right - we/I are so good at finding "reasons" why it does not count/matter...And continue on collecting the "evidence" - which connects with doubt - like you said. Here is cheers, to re-writing and re-programming this! M